No.11

This is kinda like me playing catch up with myself, posting recent pieces I'd not got round to putting here for whatever reason. Possibly my periods getting in the way or being too busy frightening the elderly with thatch theatre...

An Obscene Circle Of Hatred

I live alone with my family in quiet, safe part of town. We are no different then our neighbours, or any other family in town for that matter. We carry on through the same tragedy's as everyone else. It saddens me to say that I haven't learnt to cope with pain. More specifically, the pain of life. This is such a big world with empty words, trivial problems and guilt for feeling so alone. I love my parents, but they are lost to this. They think they understand. They talk and talk and talk like I've skinned my knees. Their child has fallen over and needs to be piked up. How shallow. All they want is their release, their pain removed. But I don't hate them. I love each and every person in my family, even when they pretend to have it all figured out.

I want to be loved too much. Of course that sounds strange yet it's the truth. I'm very much isolated from the ideals we perceive a everyday facts. I can't help myself. Yeah sure, I can bite on this tongue of mine as it trembles more words out in earnest desperation. But where will that drag me down to? All that seems to stick in my throat and mind is 'Pain is life'. My pain rises to the surface when I cut. My smile widens when I dig deeper through my soft body to touch what I know they just can't see. What they ignore.

There are so many reasons to carry on self-harming, but the most unbearable one is me. I'm the quiet, docile creature being made room for. Pampered like some malnourished pet. I'm watching the living understate me until I disappear. So many times on a daily basis I'm made aware of my complete lack of importance, purposely it seems. And they're right. I DO lack importance. Funny, to be lacking in a world of fake happiness.

I want to draw a circle. Inside this circle I will lace myself, and watch diligently in third person the hatred manifest upon my thighs, my arms, my stomach, my chest, my back. Anywhere I can feasibly hide it from a lifetime of piercing glares. With common household items sharpened to remember and meek smiles to forget, I'll dwindle inside this obscene circle until my body falls apart to a neatly slashed rubble. Then maybe I could begin to understand how someone so small fits in to a mausoleum so consuming.

[this is a character study of Lee from the film Secretary, not my own thoughts/feelings. Yes I do relate to some of it lol but I like that film a hell of a lot and felt she deserved a piece about her. Watch it, that film is fuckin' sexy too]

Buck The Harlem Smoke

Let him breathe, give him space,
Ignore the gaping shallow wounds
Like a septic trench across his face,
Bare fists and jaws connect,
He suffered severe hemorrhaging
With collapsed lungs and
Re-digested stomach acid indirect,
I consider the necessity to dissect,
A fanatical desire for reanimation,
In this homicidal gaze nothing
Nobody is safe,
Carefully and with sadistic conviction
I make good my excuses,
Removal met with fearful approval,
Fact becomes a horrid work of fiction,
Dragged by his ankles through agricultural
Phases in this country uncaring,
Better judgement asks where I faltered,
How far have I fallen my friend?
The end becomes the beginning of
An endless blood lust,
Wrists pumped with composition compounds,
Restraints hold us back from what
We never believed could materialize,
I just want to lose myself in other peoples death,
There is immense pain in staying alive,
Severed flesh crawling back to claim
Rewards, disfigured inhuman forms of
My hands still born,
Dearest friend, save me this grace
Before my redemption brings scorn,
Find my confession buried in
Rotten flesh under the surgical lines I've drawn


Hubris And Its Major Design Faults

Let me paint you a picture,
A portrait of myself and humanity,
See the colours smudge,
Note the lines jarred jagged,
Inconsistent,
Revelation in inspiration,
Let me paint you a picture with words,
Let me spell out this landscape,
Maybe you've seen it before,
You're running head-down through life,
Barged past every friendly warning
Wit that stupid grin,
You're on a roll,
Smug as fuck,
The clingers-on bow,
The gods ignored,
The rules broken,
How sure you are in what you're not,
Only human,
Now we define the downfall,
That one you should've seen coming,
Ignoring the idea you could be wrong,
Friends and foes won't step aside,
Force fed your own belated pride,
Merciful lord of malice intent,
Colours run and bleed,
How sure you were,
You mistook hands to shake
For fingers to break,
And there's the image complete,
Hubris mis-designed so perfectly


...Followed By Reflections

That fear,
That pain of being reminded of our humanity,
It drags you away from those you love to the nothings you hate.
It understands how best to hurt you.
To pull your walls down,
To unveil your insecurities
And remind you of your complete helplessness to your desire to self-destruct.
We fail.
Or is it just me?


Long Hard Think

Opps, I slipped and fell in
A puddle of ball-bag blood,
Shattered my pelvis spitting it out,
Call a penis paramedic